Oatmeal & A Really Bad Headache

K. So I know I posted like 2 days ago but I took a nap this afternoon AND I slept in so now when I'm actually SUPPOSE to be sleeping...can't....so I'm blogging. If you don't want to waste your life reading this...I understand.

So I really love cinnamon-raison oatmeal. Its my fav :) I probably ate 3 bowls a day with every pregnancy. Its my favorite prego food and my comfort food. When I just want to sit and be sad and pretend I have a fireplace to eat my oatmeal in front of...I do. That sentence didn't really make sense but you get the point. I just finished a bowl and it makes me happy.

Soooo I have these weird crazy emotions coming out of no where. Today was a total emotional roller coaster ride. Mostly that downhill part that you feeling like you're gonna die or throw up or something... but anyway I went to church and all of the testimonies were great but I couldn't handle being there because there were like a million young/new born babies around. Being around babies hasn't bothered me in several months. With my last 2 miscarriages I even had a hard time around nieces and nephews but hid it because I didn't want to be a bad aunt and I love them. My last miscarriage was 10 months ago and I moved on awhile ago and have been fine most of the time. Ya, I've had my hard days but today was just nuts! Even last night on our date I was feeling a little sad around the little kids at the restaurant (Cafe Rio makes an excellent burrito) but I didn't want to ruin the date and we were having fun so I just ignored it. Anyway...so today I just couldn't handle it and I went home, missed the rest of church and bawled my eyes out for like 45 minutes. I don't know where these feelings are coming from. Life was finally starting to get back to normal---no more sad baby emotions, Shawn and I were getting along great, we both finally got jobs...then this wham bam huge crazy breakdown. I really don't know where this is coming from or why. So I prayed, while I was bawling...maybe thats why it took so long because I really can't cry and talk at the same time. I haven't prayed that hard in so long. I just let out to Heavenly Father the way I was feeling about life, about babies etc. It is easy for me to get frustrated when I don't get an answer immediately. I'm probably one of the most impatient people in the world...reallly it's actually pretty annoying. But after praying I just felt really tired and peaceful and then I slept for about an hour. Sometimes all you need is that quite peace that everything is going to be ok and that God is listening and he hears us. I haven't been very open to Him lately because of pride or something stupid. I'm one of those people that tries to do things on my own and just be tough and just deal with it. So I've kind of hid myself away from God, my husband, and my friends. I realized that I need to not do that and I've known that for a long time and I don't let Shawn do it but I still do. I'm working on that though. Just spilling my guts out to Shawn and my Heavenly Father made me feel a little better.

Although I felt a somewhat better...I'm still crazy and I still was on the edge. When I cry and then sleep...my head hurts a lot. So my eyeballs feel like they're going to pop out of my head and I was a little emotional still. We went to my parents house for dinner and for dumb reasons I was getting sooo irritated with everything my family was doing. It was nothing to get irritated over just little things made me want to scream!! Like my mom was humming one phrase from a song for like 20 minutes, the way my family was taking forever on their turn on the game (even though you're suppose to) even down to the way everyone was talking was driving me crazy! I was quite and didn't say anything because I knew I would probably say something stupid and mean that I would regret because there was no justice in saying it.

Again, I don't know where these crazy person emotions are coming from but after reading this you should be grateful of two things:

1-You're not my husband
2-You're not my family haha jk but maybe not really.

Despite everything Shawn is still hangin on and he loves me and holds my hand through all of our trials. I really surely now know that Heavenly Father is too. I am going to try very hard to not shut them or friends out and to let people help me through things.

I just needed to vent a little more and Shawn is asleep so... blogging was next best thing I guess and if something didn't make sense or my grammar was bad...remember its 1AM, my head hurts, and I'm seeing 2 of everything so cut me some slack :)

Thanks for all of your love and support!! xoxo